A glowing Christmas tree and crackling fireplace became the scenic backdrop of my own, personal pity party. I was only a few weeks postpartum and felt I had no right to feel disappointed and disillusioned when I had a happy, healthy new baby in my arms. But as moms, we don’t talk about that right? That feeling after giving birth of gratitude mixed with grief, where you are holding the evidence of God’s goodness in your hands while feeling like a shell or your former self.
Seemingly overnight (Well, for me it was 38 hours of labor and yes, I will ALWAYS bring that up), your priorities shift, your relationships change, your responsibility grows, and it’s overwhelming to think you’ve taken on this job that you can’t quit. Our child was very much prayed for, very much wanted, very much planned, and yet, I felt so lost as a new mom, fumbling my way through those early days of motherhood.
Recently, I was at a friend’s house who is both a prolific reader and published author who spent the better part of the last twenty years raising babies. She said to me: “I didn’t read fiction for nearly 15 years!” Guys, that SHOOK me and do you want to know why? Because I had been struggling with not being able to do the things I loved pre-baby (like reading sweeping, epic novels in one sitting) into my new life as a mom.
I considered myself a failure as both a person and a mother because I couldn’t fit my old identity into my new one. I was a book-loving, late-sleeping, fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants twenty-something who was always down for a good road trip. Now, it takes an Excel spreadsheet and five to ten business days to go on a road trip and I can fly by the seat of my pants anytime after 1:30 to work around my son’s nap.
But I had to learn to let it go.
My friend said she could no longer read fiction, but she watched a lot of movies and documentaries. I was never a movie person, but I find that in this season, I am! That conversation helped move me from grief to grace. Instead of grieving a life we willingly gave up, I’m finding joy by discovering new habits and hobbies that fit us where we are right now as a family. That means Sunday morning pancakes, Friday night movie nights, and long evening walks.
Friends, each season requires us to re-evaluate our priorities, our perceptions, our purpose and our patterns. We can wrestle with grief or we can walk in grace.
If I can leave you with one thing to think about it, it would be this: What do you need to let go of to live fully in what the Lord has prepared for you right now?
